This brings me to that great resentment that served as my separation from God.

As I've shared, I believed in God. I have always believed in Something bigger than all of us. I was taught to believe in Him. And most likely from day one. From what I've gathered in an understanding of what happened, what separated me from Him, was learned through the process of recovery from alcohol and drugs, chiefly. There have been many other things that have lent their own depth to the understanding, but it was through the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous that it was brought to life for me and ultimately returned me to Him.

​

The principles that many try to understand and adapt to their lives within the halls of those church basement meetings are powerful, they were for me. I'm not going to get all quotey with you. I will however try to impart what I came upon by referencing some of what these pioneers came upon as they too recovered from what those who have recovered since know as a full recovery of body and mind. (Yes, full recovery is possible.)

​

The greatest part of the process of recovery, and becoming recovered, is that the directions are the same for all yet our experience and interpretation of that experience does vary. The journey is different for everyone, yet the information uncovered about the mind and body of not only alcoholics, but humans who are not alcoholic, can be the same. As is the actual result. The re-connection to God and a new awareness, a God-consciousness.

​

The original piece of literature offered by the men and women who came about a way to recover from that often-misunderstood sickness alcoholism, what is essentially a spiritual malady, speaks to resentment being an offender. They speak to it as being the beginning of spiritual disease. The actual drink, or drug, or whatever other vice comes into play whether it be gambling, sex, food, or fill in the blank is but a symptom of something deeper. A result of a cause. It's really not the problem. It is the result of the initial problem. It starts as a solution and becomes a detriment to the sufferer and all those around them. It was so with me.

​

The irony is that even once I was separated from the alcoholic and drugs, the symptom, I was still riddled with the cause. The spiritual sickness. The founders of this process knew and wrote to the fact that even when the symptom, the alcohol and drugs in my case, are removed, there is much more there in the way of sickness. They wrote that the removal of these substances is not enough and that it would only be addressing the surface of the problem, and hardly that.

​

So how did this resentment become that "number one offender" in my life?

I believe I was six years old when my mother screamed "Get out" to my father. And in that single moment came fear. Followed by my number one resentment. It wasn't against my mother for screaming at my father. It wasn't at my father for following her direction and leaving the house. It wasn't at the house. It wasn't at my sister, the sun, the moon or the stars. It was a resentment that I immediately copped toward God. And it happened in a split second.

​

One moment I was an innocent child, doing child things, dreaming child dreams, making child plans, looking forward to child things and enjoying a child's life. And in a split second I held God in contempt. As my life began to take a new direction at the mercy of those around me, a direction laced with fear and uncertainty, the sun grew dim, the moon grew colder, and the stars began to fall from heaven. Boom. Just like that!

​

This effect is not limited to alcoholics, drug addicts, sex addicts, food addicts, smokers, or coffee drinkers. It happens with nearly all of us. I'm not trying to speak for you personally as I believe we each have our own experience(s). Yet I say this as I have come to share this not only with those who hang out in church basements but those who are upstairs too. Humans are fallible, we are all susceptible to this separation. Look around you. Look at your own experience.

​

So, what was the result of this separation? Well, we will get into all of that as we continue to turn pages, but the immediate effect was one of loss and one of gain. Whatever belief I had up until this point, nurtured by Nana, was tossed aside and a willful decision to hold God in contempt was made. Yes, at six years old. And I didn't even know it. And then a further decision brought me to a place of living without God. More pointedly, a decision to stop seeking Him whether through teachings in the church or readings, prayer or meditation. I washed my hands of Him. The paradox here is that at some levels I still believed in Him yet wanted nothing to do with Him.

​

My attitude toward God was "You did this to me!" "You split my family up." "You shattered my childhood." Yet I didn't even know this happened when it happened. That was the first result of my decision born out of the resentment. An absolute bewilderment, a "not knowing" that would propel me into a life lived on a self-willed course. I would be a godless creature knowing there was a God while doing ungodly things with an attitude centered on only one thing. Me.

​

How did that resentment become my own number one offender? What I've come to know is that I was the offender. I offended God by turning my back on Him. By not trusting Him and His own plan and use for everything. And that was one of the most bitter pills I ever swallowed when I uncovered this truth about myself years later. A taste that can still be experienced with even the shortest of trips down memory lane. I believe those bitter pills are a sort of discipline from God today and I'll touch on this later in the journey.

​

The brilliance of what the pioneers of that first twelve step program came upon is revealed right after they speak to this whole number one offender thing. They speak to the fact that if I can address this underlying malady, the spiritual sickness, I will then straighten out physically and mentally. And further that the madness of resentments can be mastered. Ultimately, I would come to know that a resentment is simply my wish to be in total control no matter what the cost may be. And I became willing to pay that price, to the point of near ruin.

​

I could write chapters about my history in Alcoholics Anonymous but that is for another day yet there will be points I'll reference here. When I got sober through a treatment facility and was exposed to the fellows in those church basements, I was exposed to a great many things that served as revelations to me. One of which was what they told many of us back in the 1980's. They spoke about how this illness, alcoholism, takes hold. They said the "order" in which one gets sick is spiritual, mental and then physical. They then shared that the exact reversal in order was true when we recover. They were somewhat right yet misguided in their approach. I waited year after year to get better in the reverse order. And to no avail. Sure, at first, I felt great physically and then my mind did begin to clear, a bit. And then I waited for the spiritual part to get better. The wait nearly killed me, and those about me.

​

It wasn't until I was twenty-six years sober attending meeting after meeting after meeting doing what I was told to do before I landed at a decision to take my own life, going so far as dry firing a pistol in my mouth to practice. All the while waiting for that miracle. It was bullshit.

​

The pioneers knew what they spoke to in their first book. That if the spiritual malady is overcome, my physical life, not just my body but the physical aspects of my life would right themselves on their own. If the spiritual malady is overcome my mind will repair itself, a restoration of sanity. Sound reasoning would prevail in my life instead of the twisted and perverse mental streak I endured for years. My mind would look upon all things, most especially God, with a different eye. And this became my exact experience.

​

Do you hold God in contempt?

​

After a great many years of doing so myself I was able to gain a reconnection to God. Yes, the process hurt and required a concentrated effort, but it beat the alternative, blowing my head off and leaving my family behind in their own twisted bewilderment.

I love this little bit that I heard once. But before I share it with you let me tell you how I understand this relationship with God in its simplest form. I look upon him as my Parent and I'm simply His child. There is so much more, and I'll get into that as we travel on but for now let's leave it there. Simple.

​

So, He's the parent and I'm the kid. And like most kids I've done things that are colorful and distasteful. Who hasn't? Now I have my own children and I'm a parent too, so I get what it's like to be a parent. You're a parent too? Not always easy is it, being a parent? But no matter what your own children do it never ceases to amaze how the love for your children is felt. It's deep! And they give us trouble as many of you have given your parents trouble, as I have given my parents trouble. This brings us to two points.

​

One. Parents and children love one another. It is innate, unavoidable. And children give their parents trouble, heartache, and headaches.

​

And Two. You think you're having a problem with God? Maybe as a parent He's having a problem with you. I imagine He had His hands quite full with me. Today I know He did.